Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
