I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Let's get the cat blown out
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
