I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
