I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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