Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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