I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize