I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
