I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
