Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
