remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
