Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
