I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
