So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wish you could order shots online.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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