I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
