Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
