People in love make me want to vomit
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize