So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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