I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
