if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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