Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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