What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
