I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
