oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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