rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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