can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
