11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
