Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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