Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
