coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
