Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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