my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
