I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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