Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
