you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
