Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
