I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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