but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
