Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
