I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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