Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
