I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
