I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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