how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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