i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
