My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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