I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
