There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
How's work?
Spinning.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
