I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
