He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
