is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
