this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
