She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize