everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
