he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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