I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I could fuck to npr.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
