ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
